Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
titanic
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
<—- homeless romantic
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.