MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I have questions??
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.