Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray