High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.