Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
i did the math
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.