[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
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“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.