My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.