Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
You Might Also Like
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.