My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I…do not understand how electricity works.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*