Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Duolingo getting serious.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.