I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Breaking news:
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse