*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Pot warmers of the day.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
bad news gang
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak