[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
the battle rages on
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