Yeah. This was me today.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!