A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9