everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Erm I’m gonna say no
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.