Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.