My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
A ghost story
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger