Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
smh
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”