The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.