Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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based al yankovic
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Guantanamo Bae
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Don’t forget to tip your server
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My what?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.