My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies