Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet