me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Great acting.. 😂
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan