hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel