[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
never ask a starfish for directions
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]