like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Plant care tips
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living