I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.