18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”