What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Do not steal food from the science building!
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.