Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Science memes
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Hank is one in a melon.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.