If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.