10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Life is a suicide mission.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?