girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
when nothing goes right… go left
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat