[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Effort made
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath