Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.