ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.