Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion