Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me