my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
HR said no more nunchucks.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.