Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
put ‘er there pardner!
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Don’t snitch tag.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it