You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You Might Also Like
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Autocorrect completely socks