“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
New comic up. “Ransom”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend