Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
beware of dog
(jukin media)
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.