“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
i smell a pulitzer
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”