Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.