My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
$3 #books
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.