When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
You Might Also Like
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I need to update my racial profile.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL