In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.