It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Brands during Pride
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.